Bastard Operator From Heaven
by Akuma-sensei
Summary: Girls just want to have fun! Goddesses and Yggdrasil sysadmins not excluded.Warning: never try to do that yourself!Rated M for sick sysadmin humor and, well, nude drunk Urd
1. Chapter 1

**BASTARD OPERATOR FROM... HEAVEN**

_This story combines goddesses and wishes from OMG universe with some violent and rather sick sysadmin humor, BOFH style (some ideas borrowed from comic stories by Simon Travaglia, currently published in 'odds and sods' section of The Register, some, well, from life). Why not? Urd, Peorth and Skuld are sysadmins, end even in Heaven sysadmins need some fun. And if anyone thinks debugging with a hammer is not BOFH-ish enough, let Skuld show you how a hammer can be used.  
The story will contain lots of first-person narration but it's not just another self-insert male day-dream about a sexy goddess. It's just 'BOFH style'. Oh, well, who I'm going to fool with that crap... As any healthy man I will give a finger, maybe a testicle (but only a single ONE!) to have an affair with real Urd. So, SI or not, the hero has much common with the author, including computer-related work, love for Islay single malts (aged not less than 10 years), interest in photography and overall craziness ;) I do have a big Mitsubishi monitor, too. Why 'Me' and not canonic Simon BOFH? The reason is simple, insides of computer room are too boring as the only background, and where sysadmin goes after work? Yes, to the local watering-hole. And here my knowledge of London sucks a lot. So the main location will be... well you'll find out, let me just warn you it's cold, snowy and bears with balalaikas can be found in the street. No sweet Bell in the story, gomen, at least in first episodes. Urd, some Skuld (hammers are cool!) and definitely Hild - I know way too much mother-in-law jokes to miss such an opportunity.  
Comments and suggestions are welcome.  
Now the last warning - ABSOLUTELY NOT FOR CHILDREN! Bad language, lots of craziness and violence and of course nude drunk Urd inside. And never ever try to do that at home - at least if you are neither a deity nor Russian.  
All rights belong to owners, and this non-profit work is created solely and exclusively for fun. Don't sue me - I'm not that rich and besides I never lost a case )  
That's all. Have fun and may the certain goddess bless me._

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**Episode 1. AH! I'M FIRED!**  
Philosophers sometimes wonder if there are some ultimate Laws of Nature. There is one, for sure. Take Heaven, or Hell, or any of the Mortal Planes - system administration is boring, period. The shift just started but Urd, system administrator for the Heaven's IT division, was completely bored. The fact she had terrible hangover from yesterdays Auto-club party didn't make the life easier. Urd looked around trying to find something to ease the headache - it felt like several thousand hammer-equipped nano-Skulds were having party inside her head. Speaking of the devil, here she was. Urd's younger sister Skuld, debugging engineer and sysadmin assistant in training occupied neighbor workstation. She was also bored and tried to kill some time taming a freshly caught bug, alternatively teasing it with a rather tasty looking (that's from the bug's point of view) Yggdrasil spare part or hitting it with a small plastic hammer. Poor critter was drooling and looked halfway from absolutely annoyed to completely exhausted.  
"Skuld, any beer left"  
"Nope, sis. And liquor store is not open yet"  
"Any suggestions, kiddo"  
"I'M NOT A KID"  
The number of Skulds hammering Urd's head increased by one. The sysadmin goddess tried to have some fun reading users e-mail, but all she could find was boring legal stuff and some ordinary looking wish contracts. No gossip, no smut. Even Peorth's collection of nasty photos didn't have a single new one.  
Big red phone with no keypad suddenly made small noise. Oh no, not that one, not now, thought Urd. But the gods of luck were not supporting her. Definitely not after all mice in their department were glued to the tables. The phone started ringing.  
"Urd, I want to see you in my office. Immediately"  
"Sure, boss, but we have a network problem here". She pressed a red button labeled "Never push" which switched on random traffic generator connected to the system's main hub. The network immediately went down, and internal phone started to ring. Skuld picked her mallet and hammered the phone flat, effectively avoiding dialog with another annoyed user.  
"Urd, switch that garbage generator off, I know about it, and you have one minute to come to my office"  
Well, nothing lasts forever. 10000 years were long enough even for IT Boss to learn a thing or two about system administration secrets. Urd could do nothing but go.  
Boss was waiting. Of all the avatars this powerful (but not very bright) being could use he chose an image of nerdy balding man in late fourties, with expensive looking glasses, gray suit and polka-dot tie included. His face was radiant red. Urd gasped: this could mean only one thing - deep shit. Really deep shit. And so it was.  
"Urd, can you tell me anything about the explosion of Athena's workstation? She said you told her to cycle the power switch 20 times to, quote, clear the dust from contacts, unquote.  
"I never believed a user could be THAT stupid. You know, she's believed to be the goddess of wisdom... Did she also note that I asked her to disconnect the mains plug first"  
"Okay, and what about the accident with sandpaper and a printer in the accounting department.  
"Oh, that's absolutely not my fault. Cant they tell heavy weight paper from sandpaper? Besides, it was Peorth who made the order for the paper, not me"  
"HOLY CHRIST"  
The door opened."Did you call me? Hi, Urd"  
Jay Christ, the head of strategical planning department was just passing by with a big heap of printouts. Boss could only weakly smile. His face became another two points redder, making a perfect example of Pantone Coated Red. Unable to say a word, he only gasped for some air. In the silence, distant kling-klanging could be heard - Skuld performing routine debugging. Sounds of the hammer became louder as she chased the bug.  
"Urd, are you sure your assistant is competent"  
"Yes, she's an expert"  
"But her toolkit consists of A SINGLE BLOODY HAMMER"  
"Two"  
"What"  
KABLAM!  
A big piece of plaster fell from the ceiling, breaking the favorite coffee mug of Boss, who instantly paled and made not completely unsuccessful attempt to merge with his leather-clad computer-controlled armchair.  
"Now THAT was her OTHER hammer" smiled Urd.  
Boss opened the door, just a crack, and looked outside. Skuld stood there with a happy smile on her face, wiping sweat with one hand, the other holding a twenty-pound sledgehammer with a plain wooden handle. The bug was history. Unfortunately, Yggdrasil storage unit, on top of which the creature met its doom, also became history.  
"You see, when the unit doesn't work properly, Skuld uses her hammer and we instantly get a replacement"  
"But that storage box was Ok"  
"Don't worry about /data/hentai/nude/goddesses, we've got backup"  
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! LOOK AT THIS"  
Holographic display window opened in mid-air, with a single number in big bold red font. Four digit number, far into the upper part of the range. Oops, make that five-digit number.  
"What's that? Your daily salary?" asked Urd trying to sound not interested.  
"That's the number of computer-related user casualties since the beginning of this month"  
"Hm, let's see the list. No, No, Oh, that was an accident, No, Bug, Bug, Hm... I didn't know Skuld likes THAT kind of jokes... Bug, bug... You see, all those accidents are either caused by users' stupidity or bugs"  
"Bugs like THIS one?" Boss picked a cage from the floor. Lock was connected to a small device which looked very much like a timer. "This was found under Peorth's table"  
"I didn't know Peorth experiments with bug-breeding"  
"Stop giving me bullshit"  
"But I didn't, honestly"  
"Enough is enough! You are fired"  
The telephone rang, caller ID showing number 0. Kami-sama himself. The discussion was short, IT Boss part consisting of "Yes, Almighty" and "Okay". "Hm, looks like you've got a powerful relative up there, Urd. I cannot fire you, but as a punishment you will be transferred to the Assistance pool, with a task to grant wishes for the Earth's nastiest system administrators. I hope this will help you learn what is good and what is bad". He produced a sheet of paper with a list of ten persons. "Here you go. Begin immediately, Skuld will be your replacement for now".

_TO BE CONTINUED..._

**Next Episode: "AH! A WISH"**  
"How about a clone of Keiichi's wish?" The goddess gave me a dirty look. "Okay, okay, that's silly! Of course I should ask for seven women as Kenta did!" Even tanned skin could not hide the fact that Urd had a blush.


	2. Chapter 2

**Episode 2. AH! A WISH!**

COPYRIGHT WARNING: This non-profit story is written exclusively for fun; all copyrights belong to their owners.

SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Drinking as much alcohol as they do is insane. My reference book says that's twice the lethal dose. Probably more.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Always read the bottom note in the small font, silly. It says, "Not applicable for Russians." Thanks for reviews!

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That evening I returned home a bit later than usual. The day was quite good - I've got contracts for two websites, which promised a good bonus for the next two months or so. I was going to leave the office when PA of Big Boss came running in tears - she made a mistake, and her love letter for a boyfriend, with a nude photo, no less, occasionally went to the Boss. My task was to remove a letter and all traces. Easy said, but not that easy done - it required almost an hour. On the other side, the compensation was quite good - a _very_ passionate kiss and a bottle of old cask-strength Lagavulin from the personal minibar of the Boss, not counting the abovementioned nude photo and some other interesting e-mail that was present in the mailbox. Sometimes I'm such an asshole! Well, I also did a thing or two that can be considered goody - closed up some spammer accounts and reported a child pornographer to police. Hm, maybe I should blackmail the sucker first. 

After a quick snack and much longer hot shower, I occupied my usual place of rest - that's the library room, in front of my home computer. Mouse in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other (guys, when I say 'a glass of whisky' that's a full glass; and no ice, please), I was checking new e-mail when something strange happened. An image of Urd in her trademark tiger-striped bikini on my desktop shifted a bit and was looking directly at me. It felt like I was being evaluated. Then, the screen girl started walking in my direction, becoming bigger and bigger until only her face was visible. A hand appeared, knocking on the screen.

"Knock, Knock," the girl said loud and clear. "May I come in?" Then she winked. I did only one possible thing. No, I didn't faint and even didn't fall from the chair as some clueless anime boys do. I just finished my whisky with a single big gulp.

"Holy Heavens, that was an expert one!" commented the image from the screen. Somehow I wasn't very much surprised, even knowing I had no speakers connected to my computer. Well, maybe a little bit - about a minute later the girl asked me to close my mouth and free some space in front of the monitor. I obeyed. The screen flashed and a head came through, complete with a mane of long blonde hair. A tanned, and very female body followed the head. I guess I was right when I paid through the nose for my large-screen color calibrated CRT - if it was half inch smaller, some very attractive parts would certainly stick. Think of Winnie Pooh and the Rabbit's hole. She hovered in the air for a while, slowly descending, than firmly stood on the floor and looked right into my eyes.

"Hiiii!" she said in a nice and quite musical voice. Then suddenly sniffed the air. "Smells of good whisky. Speaking of which, can I have a drink? I'm so tired of sake!"

"When such a beautiful lady asks, I can never resist! But alas, I don't drink with strangers. Who are you?"

"Oww, gods! SorrySorrySorry. I forgot! I'm Urdsecondclassgoddessandimheretograntyouawish!" A business card appeared in her hand. I wonder, where she was hiding it, bikinis usually have no pockets.

"A what?"

"A wish, stupid mortal! Somebody up there decided that if your dream comes true you would probably stop being such a badass."

"Knowing myself, I'm not that sure..."

"There are lots of other options. Lessee... Frying your ass with the lightning; eternal damnation; a first-class demon as a wife, you probably will enjoy that..."

"Okay, okay! Let's discuss that over a drink!"

"Sounds fine to me."

"Follow me to the bedroom."

"Wow, you are a speedy boy, I see. We know each other for a minute, yet you are trying to bed me?"

My cheeks felt warmer. Somehow this girl made me blush. She must really be a goddess, and a powerful one! Anyway, she looked more amused than angry, so I decided to continue the joke."Oh, sorry, you misunderstood me! I have my bar in there... but I do like the way you think!"

Both smiling, we reached the destination. Urd immediately examined the multitude of labels in the bar, most of them representing the best Scotch distilleries.

"You have a good taste."

"What would you like?"

"Dunno, everything looks so tasty... Maybe a glass of Talisker?"

"Okay, Talisker is it. By the way, are not you cold? This is not Africa and we got winter outside. But as we say, some liquid fuel always can help. If not whisky, than vodka warms you up for sure."

"You've got vodka?"

"Of course! Don't forget, you are in the motherland of vodka! I even have some pure alcohol down in my lab, if you can drink that stuff, no girl ever could, as far as I remember."

"I'm not a girl, I'm a goddess!"

"As you wish..." I went to my lab, filled a glass with 200 ml of _Spiritus Vini_, and returned to the bedroom. The goddess didn't lose time. While I was absent, she examined the closet and warmed herself with the help of a sweater and a pair of thick woolen socks. She snatched the glass from my hand, consumed it in a single shot and delightfully exhaled.

"Good stuff! Now let's test my recharged power." She stood in the middle of the room, levitated, raised her hands and began chanting. "Oh Lord Bacchus, please be kind, and bless us with thy vessel of joy!"

With a plop, a big 3-liter bottle of Jack Daniels appeared.

"Not bad, but why bourbon?"

"Don't know, happens all the time."

I opened the bottle and filled our glasses. We sat silent for a while, enjoying the taste of quality bourbon.

"Now, back to the business," said Urd returning an empty glass for refill. "Did you consider your wish?"

"How about a clone of Keiichi's wish?" The goddess gave me a dirty look. "Okay, okay, that's silly! Of course I should ask for seven women as Kenta did." Even tanned skin could not hide the fact that Urd had a blush. She knew the ending of that story for sure. It's interesting, do they watch hentai in heaven or she just can read my thoughts?

"Tell me please, why it's you and not your sister? As far as I know, wish granting is her business."

"Oh, Bell could not! She's on maternity leave."

"So, K-boy finally scored a point?"

"Not without my help," giggled Urd.

We continued drinking and talking this and that. Whisky level in the bottle was decreasing with a record speed.

"... And then this idiot of a boss goes into the storage room with the only key, and the door locks. Spent 30 hours there, no food, no water, until we managed to find a sober safe-opening specialist." Urd laughed madly. As you may guess, somewhere in the middle of the first liter I found out that she was an admin too, and we were sharing funny stories from life. Urd, half drunk and completely relaxed, was laying on the coach, glass of whisky in a hand, head in my lap. I took my time enjoying the view of her cleavage, which was absolutely breathtaking from my position. Suddenly she looked at me with a hint of sorrow in her eyes.

"Y'know it's fun to be with you," said the goddess "If only I could stay here for a while."

"All the time you want."

"Thanks. I wish I didn't have the stupid duty they made me perform!"

"I wish I could grant you that wish!" Understanding what I've just done, I covered my mouth with a hand. Oops!

You probably expect a lightshow here. No, there was none. Either the goddess was a little bit too drunk, or wish granting works completely different, but nothing started floating in the air, which was good, because that big bottle still had about a pint inside. Urd didn't change her position, she just froze with mouth open and eyes wide from shock. And then the telephone rang.

"Hello, Afghanistan Embassy!"

"It is I," answered the phone in a deadly serious tone.

"No, I is I, and who are you?"

"Son, that's your God speaking to you!" I heard after a pause and an amused grunt.

"Erm... You know, when a man speaks to God, that's a prayer, and when God speaks to a man..." I heard another grunt and background muffled giggles - Almighty must have been using hands free.

"That's schizophrenia, all gods know that joke. But listen, the situation is bad and it's serious! We have a big problem up here - even I cannot understand how you managed to do that, but our system is completely blasted with your wish. You have a talent, son. All terminals are locked and processors go deeper and deeper into a tight loop. Eat plenty of memory, too. We have to reboot, so your lucky goddess is on her own for now. Don't forget to stock her energy source. That's alcohol if you didn't figure it out yet. System goes down in one minute. So I said!"

"Wait! And the wish?"

"G..." After a burst of static, I was disconnected. Urd looked at me. I looked at her.

"Urd, your wish is granted!"

She fainted. What else could a goddess do if a mortal grants her wish?

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Next Episode: Of Goddesses and Credit Cards**

"And if we run out of money, we can always sell this," Urd produced something looking very much like a 10-carat diamond. "What's that?" "Terabyte memory module from the new Kami-sama's desktop. I swapped it for an old 64 gigabyte, it's safe - He never uses the thing himself, and that's more than enough for his assistant, she only plays either Tetris or Lines."


End file.
